Reflection

In the conversations I had with participants, I realized any problem they’ve had or currently have with natural hair was not so much about their hair aesthetically as it was about the existence of their hair in racialized spaces that center whiteness (virtually all of America but particularly spaces in which there is opportunity for upward mobility) (Ellis-Hervey et al, 2016). In fact, all women expressed generally positive feelings toward their hair and its aesthetic when speaking about it outside of the context of white-dominated spaces. 

This project began not as an academic endeavor but a personal one. There is not a lot of space for Black women to have this type of authentic dialogue in Seattle, a city saturated in whiteness. As such, I found the process personally enriching and the feedback I received from the participants echoes that. In thinking about the audience for this paper, I am planning to carry on the project as I had originally intended as a personal project in the form of a digital storytelling blog in support of the CROWN act. I will continue to interview women and create multimedia representations of their stories as well as reflexive written-commentaries such as this paper. I can’t really interpret how it might be received in academia as without an interest in this demographic this work may sound like neurotic jibber-jabber. In class when I shared a portion of Chanelle’s interview and portrait photos and told my colleagues about the CROWN act, I received a question from a classmate unfamiliar with the social and cultural landscape of the U.S.

“People are still discriminating against others from their hair?” she asked with a surprised smirk. I nodded my head yes and shifted my eyes to the side in thought. The project I had just presented was an exact representation of that occurring, straight from the mouth of a Black woman who has experienced it all her life. What more could I say to illustrate that, yes, this is happening? How many examples does one need to hear to accept an experience as reality? Or is it less about the amount and more about the body from which they hear it? 

Before I could respond, a white classmate who has lived in the States for several years interjected with an anecdote about a Black colleague distraught at work after being admonished by management for her hairstyle. I was relieved. I thought, okay, now they will know my story is valid, this topic is valid. However, when I reflected on this later I mostly just felt shame. Shame that I needed white validation to begin with. Shame that my personal life experience, and that of others like me, was not enough to be fully seen and that even I didn’t believe it was enough in that moment. I have internalized this gaze to the point that legitimate experiences which actually happen to me are defined as more important or less important by the amount in which they are able to move and touch whiteness.

My pre-judgement of Lauren not only kept me from connecting with her, it made me doubt her. The same way in which whiteness doubts or negates the experiences of people of color. The same way my classmate doubted my presentation. We can look at anyone but to see requires respect, empathy and a genuine desire to know. My experience with Lauren exemplifies that anyone can be blinded from knowing, not only the majority group. However, since white supremacy dominates culture in the west, thoughtless looking of white researchers towards Blacks and other communities of color can be particularly harmful and unfair. 

The subsequent shame that I, a self-identified progressive Black feminist, could think so narrowly is what pushed me to remain open minded when interviewing other women for the project, including Meleah, with whom I felt I had the most successful conversation in terms of co-creating knowledge and drawing out narratives that can be a vehicle for personal transformation. 

While my perceptions were challenged by Lauren, that is not to say she and Meleah do not share certain racial privileges that Chanelle and I do not, but this project has helped me recognize racial privilege as conditional. On the surface, it would appear the lighter the skin, the looser the curl, the more care-free the Black woman. But in reality, racial privilege is relative depending on the whiteness of the space.